Hooked

There's nary an article about US Senate hopeful Steve Novick that doesn't refer to his prosthetic hook within the first paragraph. Not that he shies away from the subject; he's even purchased the web address VoteHook.com in addition to the more traditional Novickforsenate.com, and his slogan is "The fighter with the hard left hook." A one-handed, 4'9'' standin,' 18-year-old college graduatin' legislative and political gangsta, Novick does not fail to impress.

The Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee has yet to support Novick, but this is not particularly surprising, given the timing and his yet-to-be-proven level of support. However, all the "top" Oregonian candidates have declined to run, so Novick may get his chance after all.

Senator Gordon Smith best keep his eye on that left hook.

I'm A Monster!

I have been turned overnight from a fully functional human being into....a Monster! What remains of my once immaculate "Fuck You!" finger is currently splinted to a board and swaddled in gauze.

Modern healthcare's solution to my gaping wound? Super glue. No joke, my cut was held together then liberally coated in "tissue adhesive." What a time to be alive!

Note to self: next time hold oyster with a towel.

I Have a Dreamsicle

The Associated Press just released a study that declared Illinois to be the state most representative of the country as a whole, especially in terms of race and age. Illinois has decided to move its primary earlier, which has New Hampshire and Iowa, the traditional whitebread forerunners, pissed. In a clear case of frontin', Illinois House Majority Leader Barbara Currie has said, "States that are quite vanilla ought not to be making the decisions for us." Oh snap- it's on!

And lest you think Currie can't back up them fightin' words, consider this: a) she reps the South Side of Chicago, and b) whoa!















I wouldn't want to mess with that, would you?

Sprockets

The derailleurs have derailed! The gears are maladjusted! Up with Spring! Oh, why must bicycle repair seem so easy when it is really a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in steel chromium-molybdenum?

This is the stuff they should be teaching kids in school, not all that Jane Austen crap. I once started to read one of her books, but quickly decided that 18th century British hobnobbing was not for me. In addition, I feel that I can make a broader statement that anyone's work that is often described as "comedies of manners" should be relegated to small piles in the corners of tea rooms and "breakfast nooks."

CNN Is An Awful Tease

My heart was set all a-twitter when I encountered this gem during my daily news trolling:










But alas, those two glorious words were naught but a typo flashed across the screen for a delicious 12 seconds. While Bush's English counterpart has gracefully announced his resignation as Prime Minister, our own chickenhawk remains steadfastly in his coop, head forever in the sand.

Potent Potables

"See all that stuff inside, Homer? That's why your robot never worked!"












I rounded the corner of Harrison and 12th yesterday only to be confronted by guys decked out in Haz-Mat suits and various "Environmental Services" trucks, all swarming around a small garage at the bottom of Ladd's Addition Apartments.

I know what you're thinking- another Portland meth lab, right? Boooring! But how wrong you are! In fact, this was some real old-timey mad scientist action. Apparently, Thom Gambaro had invented several new designs of computer keyboard, then made the next logical step: creating his own hydrogen fuel cell in the garage of his large apartment building!

Gambaro has since apologized for the fire and subsequent mecury contamination of the building, but methinks he will no longer be welcome in the neighborhood. I would say that he should have stuck to designing keyboards, but he's pretty bad at that too.

Better luck with the meth lab, Thom.

Calorie Restrictors Can Eat It

Why do legitimate media sources feel the need to cover commercial fad diets? Atkins', Long Beach, the Zone: reviews of these diets belongs in the book review section, with the other books trying to sell you things, not in the science, or health, or news sections. If there is scientific research involved, cover that, not the people trying to pimp that research for personal gain.

One of the latest niche diets to receive a lot of press is known as "calorie restriction," where people strictly monitor their caloric intake using computer programs and carefully weighed portions to maintain an abnormally low intake of calories. If you have ever been to Denny's, you know that this is a diet that's going nowhere until the Grand Slam loses popularity. Atkins', with its green light on saturated fats, at least had a chance, or at least until "Dr." Robert Atkins had a heart attack and died later of kidney failure at a sizable 255 lbs.

Calorie Restriction (CR) is unusual as a diet in that the overall goal is not actually better health, lower weight, or better appearance, but rather longevity. CR advocates cite research in which some mice (not people) and a couple of monkeys (also not people), lived longer than "norms" on a restricted-calorie diet. So what? I bet those mice and monkeys were hungry all the fucking time and got pissed to see the other animals getting normal amounts of food. That rage alone may have been enough to keep the animals alive- just to show the normal animals up.

Remember, you don't win friends with salad.

You Want Some of This Hot Fire?

Are blogs worth our time, for reading or for writing? According to Technorati, a site that monitors the blog world, there are approximately 2 new blogs created every second. That adds up to 175,000 new blogs a day across this fair planet; imagine if newspapers or magazines operated similarly.

In Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Verne imagines the demise of journalism due to "the indisputable reason that writers outnumbered readers." With newspapers across the country faltering economically and losing readership, could blogging be partly to blame?

Blogs are notorious for eschewing in-depth content, instead focusing entirely on who can get out the quickest response to the latest news. Any news will do- celebrities, disasters, book reviews- as long as it's the newest. Newspapers, even printed several times a day, can not hope to maintain quality while matching the pace of online news, but unfortunately almost every major newspaper has now headed down the slippery slope of blogging.

Traditionally, in order to respond to an article in a newspaper, you had to spend time crafting a letter to the editor or an op-ed; now you can just sign online and leave a comment, no matter how inane. Verne imagined newspapers quickly dissolving following a government ruling that required equal response space to be given to people criticized in a paper. Blogs' "comments" sections essentially allow this never-ending back-and-forth between opposing viewpoints, which virtually never form actual arguments.

I have now joined Lou Dobbs in criticizing my own medium. Cazart!