Loose Seal

I was walking across the Hawthorne Bridge today on my way downtown, when I noticed something pop up in the river, and then be mobbed by seagulls. Perhaps a "floater?" I thought (Policealise for body in the river). No, on closer inspection it was a sea lion feasting on the spring salmon in the Willamette, obviously doing much better than the fishing boat next to it. No fat and lazy zoo exhibit, this river dog was a beast, and was still at it two hours later when I returned.

Apparently, sea lions have become a major problem at the Bonneville dam on the Columbia River, eating as much as 3.5% of the precious fish on their way to spawning. One bolshy bastard has even managed to hurl his blubberous self up the fish ladder to eat the fish resting in pools as they climb over the dam.

"Scientists" have been shooting the lions with rubber bullets, exploding firecrackers, and making faces to try to drive the stubborn animals away. Needless to say, skinny white men do not frighten 600 pound carnivores. Meanwhile, real scientists point out that the problem is not the sea lions, but the four gigantic dams that grind up over half the baby salmon each year on their way downriver. I say that this be decided physically, since sea lions can not discuss serious matters without resorting to childish belching and flipper-slapping. Critics can either go mano a dog-fish thing-o or shut the fuck up and take down the stupid dams.